Sufficient Grace

I was warming up on the treadmill this morning, when I heard what has become familiar lately...God nudging me and saying, "Today is the day. You're gonna run the mile today." Until today, I've ignored this nudge and made every excuse why "today" coudn't possibly be the day. I was out of excuses though, and desperately wanted to accomplish this goal.

Then I heard Mandisa singing, and it could only have been her to inspire me to crank up my treadmill. "Shackles" was pumping in my ears and through my blood.

I began to run. Focus. Sweat equity. Determination. Utter Obedience. Self-discipline. Effort. These got me through the first half, but only that far. I couldn't begin to imagine how I was going to get through the second half. You see, I've never run more than about 5 to 6 minutes at a time, and that's my highest time. And when I say I'm running, it's only barely more than a jog. I'm not a runner...yet.

For the last half mile I begged God to empower me, to drag my feet if He had to. Whatever it took. I had committed my actions to Him, and His word tells me if I do that, my plan will succeed (Proverbs 16:3). When it got really bad, I claimed outloud, "your grace is enough," or "I will not quit, I will not quit, I will not quit." Over. And over. And over. And then some more. I even recall repeatedly saying, "C'mon God," in anticipation of Him filling me with whatever I needed in order to drag my butt across the finish line.

I called out to Him and He answered me.

I finished that mile. While it wasn't physically or technically perfect, It was one of the most amazing moments I've ever had with God. It was a mountaintop experience if I've ever had one. God showed me with crystal-like clarity that His strength really is made perfect in my weakness (2Cor 12:9). Friends, it wasn't me that got me across the 1-mile line. God got me there and reminded me that He will get me across every finish line in every race I run, if I will only submit to Him and let Him get me there.

Friends, I have trust issues with God, and apparently always have, thanks to negative human influence. I've learned recently that one of my biggest fears in life is that God will somehow let me down. And "when" He does, where does that leave me? In the middle of nowhere, lost in a black abyss, with nothing, because I've put all my faith in Him (except what I've put in myself)...if He fails me, I have absolutely NOTHING.

Running this mile today was an exercise in trust. Even though I knew I was not physically ready to run an entire mile, I stepped out of the boat, trusting God to make my way on the water. And He did. Everytime I give God the chance to prove Himself, He exceeds my expectations and builds my trust in Him. He loves me with such a pure and complete love, a love lacking nothing, that He is willingly and patiently "proving" Himself to me through moments like these.

What a glorious, intimate truth God revealed to me this morning. Trusting Him allowed me to lay down the strength I think I have within myself, the strength that can only get me part of the way, and make room for what really lies beneath. That, sisters, is HIS power. And I would much rather call on His power than my own.

So I ask you, friends, where do you need God run beside you? Where do you need Him to fill you with His infinite power to give you a strong finish? Where does He need to carry you to the finish line? Remember, though, that before He can do any of these things, you must first let go of yourself to make room for Him and the power He brings with Him.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor 12:9

Healing Balm

I can freely admit I'm no expert in emergency situations. Even as a mom of three, I still stumble through anything that resembles a crisis. Do I put running water on a burn? I struggle to decide if that bleeding wound needs a band aid or a 2X2 piece of gauze with tape? And how about a "sprained" ankle, or a broken toe...wrap it? Don't wrap it? And how am I supposed to really know if something needs stitches? What's a mom to do!?

I've likewise lived this same way in my spiritual life as it relates to my struggle with food. Everything gets the wrong medicine. My need for emotional intimacy or closeness might get a peanut butter sandwich. Anxiety or stress gets an absolute overload of food slapped on it. Boredom...more food. Exhaustion...more food. Ill-behaved children...chips. Irritating husband...cookies. A friend lets me down...I might try some ice cream. This foul list could go on for forever, trust me.

My methods are the medical equivalent to using gauze for a gushing, bleeding wound. Friends, you and I both know it just will not work. It's a feeble attempt to pacify a wound that needs something so much greater. It needs concentrated effort from an expert...and in those moments I'm fighting the urge to binge or overeat, so do I.

Jesus is the one-size-fits-all balm for every wound. He is the Great Physician, the one, the only Mighty Healer. Sisters, it's time to lift up our eyes. Our help comes from Him, and only from Him.

Exercise your faith, and put down the extra helping of potato salad. Instead, seek Him, and you'll find His healing balm is a perfect fit.

Freedom through Obedience

I have blogged about this topic before, but honestly, we could hardly talk too much about obedience, given this world in which we live.

As I read my devotional this morning, I couldn't help but think about my current weight issues (beyond the battle as a whole, and more specifically, the 10lbs I've gained in less than 4 weeks...thank you very much, Mr. Abilify!) and how I believe God to be testing me heavily right now.

I'm doing everything right. I'm counting my calories and working out 7 days a week, like a professional athlete (okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but that's what it feels like!). This issue of obedience is so distinct that I can almost hear Him aking if I'll still obey Him (by eating right) even though all this hard work isn't paying off, or if I'll continue to do the hard work (physically) when I'm not getting positive physical results? How about the spiritual work? My answer is yes, yes and yes. Will I still trust Him even though this is my present reality? Again, yes, and here's why.

(from Breaking Free devotional by Beth Moore)
I know that sometimes we can be in too much bondage to even imagine living an obedient life. We want God to somehow wave a wand over us and magically remove every hindrance without requiring anything of us. But if God simply waved a wand over us and broke every yoke without our cooperation [obedience], we would soon pick up another. We cannot go forward without obedience.

I have certainly wished God would snap His all-powerful fingers and peel this entire oh-so-cumbersome mess off of me, but it is for my good and His glory that He has not done that. God is teaching me obedience, and the obedience I learn now will protect me from blindly taking on yet another yoke later!

In the sometimes-violent throes of this ugly, beautiful journey, I have had to depend completely on God, and He has blessed me with countless spritual breakthroughs and tremendous emotional healing. I am learning to trust God, to cling to Him, to remain in Him. If God waved some ridiculous wand, I would have no need to seek Him, obey Him and dig deep, and I would certainly have missed out on the precious and priceless intimacy I've experienced with my Heavenly Father.

Now, I'm not saying God doesn't ever choose to release someone immediately from the yoke they carry, because He certainly can and does. God is the ultimate Healer. But in my case, God knows me too well to give me such instantaneous freedom. In His infinite wisdom, He knew I had lessons to learn that would otherwise be lost through freedom that required no work on my part.

So, is this weight gain worth it? Is this stage of the war REALLY worth it? Most certainly, and utterly YES. It's unmistakably worth every extraordinary step of the way. I will continue to walk with God, and He will hold my hand all the way.


I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you, "Do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. John 15: 9b-11

Sacrifices...of another kind

Have you ever thought about the things you sacrifice? Probably so. I have a new perspective on sacrifice today that I’d like to share with you.

My day began as usual. I always wake up to exercise at 5am, but I had planned to take today off. However, I woke up at my normal time, without the alarm, only to find that my exercise clothes had not made it to the dryer. So why did God have me up so early? Then it hit me…quiet time. And that makes me smile, that God would call me from sleep just to spend some time with Him. So, I made my coffee and sat down with God. I read a devotion from Breaking Free by Beth Moore and this is what it said.…

I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. Romans 12:1

To be liberated in Christ, we’ve got some sacrifices to make. And as long as He is the one asking us for them—not our own guilt or legalistic tendencies—any sacrifice we make in our quest for freedom will be wholly consumed by God as a sweet sacrifice. He will bless it.

We fear making sacrifices. But the irony is that we also make a lot of sacrifices when we are not living in the will of God. How many things have we placed on the altar of Satan’s kingdom? Don’t we live sacrificially when we’re outside the will of God, giving up all sorts of things that were meant to be ours in Christ?

In my battle with food since September of 2010, I have never once considered sacrifice in this way. I have for nearly 9 months only considered the food I am sacrificing in terms of it being a sacrifice to me. Giving up my favorite binge foods has been in fact a difficult, uncomfortable and unpleasant sacrifice. It has often felt impossible. But, to be told that when I disobey, or make poor food choices I am instead sacrificing something even greater? Now that’s a fresh approach to the concept of sacrifice.

Keep this in mind while you read Malachi 1: 6-14, and brace yourself.

6 “A son honors his father, and a slave his master. If I am a father, where is the honor due me? If I am a master, where is the respect due me?” says the LORD Almighty. It is you priests who show contempt for my name. "But you ask, ‘How have we shown contempt for your name?’ 7 “By offering defiled food on my altar. “But you ask, ‘How have we defiled you?’ "By saying that the LORD’s table is contemptible. 8 When you offer blind animals for sacrifice, is that not wrong? When you sacrifice lame or diseased animals, is that not wrong? Try offering them to your governor! Would he be pleased with you? Would he accept you?” says the LORD Almighty. 9 “Now plead with God to be gracious to us. With such offerings from your hands, will he accept you?”—says the LORD Almighty. 10 “Oh, that one of you would shut the temple doors, so that you would not light useless fires on my altar! I am not pleased with you,” says the LORD Almighty, “and I will accept no offering from your hands. 11 My name will be great among the nations, from where the sun rises to where it sets. In every place incense and pure offerings will be brought to me, because my name will be great among the nations,” says the LORD Almighty. 12 “But you profane it by saying, ‘The Lord’s table is defiled,’ and, ‘Its food is contemptible.’ 13 And you say, ‘What a burden!’ and you sniff at it contemptuously,” says the LORD Almighty. “When you bring injured, lame or diseased animals and offer them as sacrifices, should I accept them from your hands?” says the LORD. 14 “Cursed is the cheat who has an acceptable male in his flock and vows to give it, but then sacrifices a blemished animal to the Lord. For I am a great king,” says the LORD Almighty, “and my name is to be feared among the nations.

Defiled offerings? Lame and diseased sacrifices? God showed me through the combination of these scriptures, ever so clearly, how my repeated poor choices not only cost me all that He intends for me, but have also repeatedly dishonored him.

I can see so clearly that, though desperate for freedom, my efforts have been somehow ill-equipped, even half-hearted, and that I had not previously “set my heart to honor God.” This is not to say I had not previously on my journey heard these very same words even, but today God walked with me through my quiet time, to Sunday school class and into church service. It also doesn’t mean I had not been convicted of the sin factor in my food issues. Because I am and have been for 9 months. And it doesn’t mean I didn’t fight like a tangled dog trying to break free. Because I did.

I can also see now that I have placed defiled food on His precious altar. I have offered lame sacrifices when I had better ones to give. I have dishonored God. I say with great anticipation that this stops…yesterday. Not today or tomorrow, but yesterday.

You might wonder how this revelation is suddenly going to change anything for me. Well, journey into the church service with me, where Brett taught on the story of David and Goliath. This story is more than the story of your youth; it’s a picture of God vs. evil, and EVIL DOES NOT WIN. GOD WINS. EVERYTIME. In this familiar story, David fights, armed with his slingshot, against a 9-foot tall bronze serpent opponent named Goliath. He not only wins, but he beheads Goliath and parades his head through town to show everyone just who God had empowered him to conquer.

This is an dead-on portrayal of what I want to do. I am determined to beat my Goliath and parade his bloody head through town, showing everyone exactly who God has defeated in my life.

What have I learned over the past 48 hours?

In all of this, God has reminded me not-so-subtly that I am in His loving, protective care. He is in control of this battle. He is bigger than my battle. I have a spiritual enemy who is seeking to destroy me. My God, the one true God, is always victorious.

I am declaring boldly this afternoon that I will be free. I am so close to freedom right now, I can feel it and sense the winds of change bristling around me. I already feel free. I am rebuking demons and claiming my freedom. I am arming myself, dropping my chains, setting my heart to honor God, right now, and walking into freedom.

The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

My Bipolar Testimony

Dear friends and strangers,

The National Institute of Mental Health defines Bipolar as such:
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

I am an enthusiastic and passionate Christian. A wife of nearly 12 years. A mother of three. A former educator. A caregiver. A daughter. A sister. A friend. And, I am bipolar.

I choose not to let bipolar define me, but it is undeniably part of who I am, and I’d like to tell you part of my story.

For many years I suffered from depression, or so we thought. I was given prescriptions from my Family Doctors and General Practitioners, for a variety of different medicines. I’ve taken a number of anti-depressants over the years. Most recently, I’ve been on Prozac for the last 6 to 7 years.

In 2008 I began to display very uncharacteristic behavior and had multiple inappropriate online relationships, all of which I eventually confessed to my husband, John. We worked through this and our marriage seemed to be restored, or at least headed in that direction. We were doing well.

Then, December of 2009 hit and I told my husband I was done. I wanted to leave our marriage because it was just too difficult for me anymore. I was miserable and couldn’t seem to fix anything. In my mind, it was all John’s doing. He wasn’t good enough to me, or didn’t say the right things all the time and he didn’t make me happy anymore.

This is why I praise God for my husband every day. He refused to accept this and recognized immediately that this was not the wife he knew and loved. Neither had my behavior in the last couple years been representative of the woman he fell in love with. He courageously asked me to see a professional. Not a Family physician, but a Psychiatrist. I reluctantly agreed (thank God).

At this point, I couldn’t even handle the stress of trying to find a doctor. John did all the footwork and found a doctor in Fairhope who would see me and accept our insurance, despite the fact he wasn’t “currently accepting new patients.” John spoke to the doctor’s nurse, found out what he could do regarding how to “deal” with me in the meantime. He also initiated marriage counseling for us immediately.

Upon seeing the psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with rapid cycle bipolar disorder. We were informed at the same appointment that the Prozac I had been on for years was the worst possible medicine I could have been taking. Naturally, we were furious with previous doctors (and this is why anyone who speaks to me about this will know immediately that I adamantly believe people need to be seeing a psychiatrist for psychiatric issues, not their general practitioner.) My doctor lowered my Prozac and began a regular regimen of a mood stabilizer.

It took several months, but between weekly counseling and my new medication, I began to feel normal again. This was a feeling I had become painfully unfamiliar with and I didn’t even realize it. John and I started to heal. He attended counseling with me and was my accountability in so many ways. He made sure I took my medication and he was responsible for keeping my behavior in check. It was only through the power of Christ that I was able to defer my authority over myself in these areas to him. Trust me when I tell you how incredibly hard it is to have to defer to another’s opinion of my behavior and mood over my own. There do not seem to be adequate words to express the level of trust this requires between two people.

I stand before you today a healed woman. God hasn’t healed my bipolar, but he has healed me nonetheless. I take my medication every day, and do so willingly because of my deep desire to be healthy. God has redeemed me, restored my marriage fully and saved my children from unspeakable and irreversible harm through the courage and insight of my husband. He provided me with a tremendous Christian counselor and a psychiatrist with the expertise I needed. God filled me with the power to trust these people. Friends, whether it’s the way we usually define “healing” or not, God healed me.

Living with bipolar is not easy. I choose every day to be healthy and to take my medicine (that’s another vicious facet of the disease, the conviction that you don’t need your medicine anymore). I still see my counselor once a month. I see my psychiatrist every couple months, or more if we believe my meds need an adjustment. My children have had to learn to live with my disease. My husband, God bless him, has traveled this ugly rollercoaster-road with me from the get-go. Friendships and family relationships have been strained (some, terribly so). This is not an easy disease to understand or empathize with when you’re on the outside looking in. I have made a life-long commitment to managing my disease carefully, as it is no different than heart disease or diabetes or blood pressure. It will always need my attention.

Some of you might wonder why I have decided to go public. I was recently offered the opportunity to “tell” my testimony in church yesterday, on Easter Sunday, in cardboard form. I took that opportunity to tell how God has redeemed my life and traded ashes for beauty. Doing so inspired me to go all the way, beyond sharing with pass-in-the-hallway friends, acquaintances and total strangers—all the way to sharing it with everyone I know, especially those I claim to love and know well.
Also, I desperately want to dispel the misconceptions surrounding this disease. Having or being bipolar doesn’t mean I am violent, suicidal, depressed, or crazy. What it does mean is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes more frequent mood fluctuations (because mine is rapid cycle…there are other types) and more exaggerated shifts than “normal” people. “Highs” are not necessarily extreme and uncontrollable happiness. Mine are defined by agitation and increased irritability, and a high level of productivity. My “lows” are not characterized by depression, but rather quietness, seclusion and clinginess to those I love, especially John.

Furthermore, I am personally free from the stigma attached to bipolar because I know God intends to use my experience with bipolar to help others. Otherwise, He would have physically healed my body from it. Proving this point, He already is using me. My openness about my disease with the few I have shared it with one-on-one is giving strength to others and giving others the insight that they are not alone. All of this disarms the enemy. God has made it possible for me to have potentially difficult conversations with other women who need encouragement for a variety of reasons.

Left untreated, bipolar, depression and severe anxiety will destroy lives. What it doesn’t destroy, it will cripple. Satan has a field day in the minds of those plagued with these diseases. He wants nothing more to destroy and I know, because it almost took my marriage and everything else I hold dear.
If you’re reading this, you likely either know someone who needs help or you need help yourself. If it’s you that can identify with anything I have said, I want to encourage you to find a professional. Insist on the best of care for yourself. Enlist the help of someone you love and trust intimately to walk this road with you. Do not allow mental illness of any sort to rob you or anyone you love from living a full life. If none of this describes you in any way, then please, please, please pass this along to anyone you think needs to read it. If it’s not for you, my story can be a great conversation starter between you and someone you care about.

Finally, I need to thank some people, without whom I would never be able to share my story.

To my closest friends and family, thank you, thank you, thank you! From the bottom of my heart I thank you for loving me every step of the way, even today and tomorrow, for the constant encouragement and for never letting me feel judged. Most especially, John, Lindsey, Terri and the rest of “my girls.”

To my “everyone else,” those who didn’t know, or may have only known part of the whole story, thank you for your patience, for loving me through what you didn’t even know, and for loving me even now as you learn the whole truth.

Most of all, I thank You, my precious LORD, for loving me, for saving me, for healing me and now for using me. “…My lips overflow with praise” (Ps. 119:171) and I love you with all my heart (Deut 10:12).

Sincerely,
Stephanie Norsworthy

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www.myjourneytofreedom-stephanie.blogspot.com
jsnorsworthy@yahoo.com

PS If you have never seen a cardboard testimony, a quick search on YouTube will yield multiple results and give you a good idea of what 25 of us did in our church yesterday. The music we used was “Beautiful Things” by Gungor, and my card read: (side 1) BIPOLAR (side 2) Healthy and Whole in Christ. I believe a video was made, so hopefully I will be able to share that soon as well.

My Spiritual Bucket

"Vessel" is defined by Webster's Dictionary as "a container for holding something." Sounds simple enough, right?

There are multiple examples of vessels in the Bible, both spiritual and literal, so let's reflect on two.

First I'd like to point you to the Book of Matthew. In Chapter 26 we are told the story of the anointing of Jesus at Bethany... "a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table. 8 When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. “Why this waste?” they asked. 9 “This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor.” 10 Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 11 The poor you will always have with you,[a] but you will not always have me. 12 When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. 13 Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

Oh, what I would give to know what this vessel looked like! This precious jar used to dispense perfume over the head of Christ must have been beautiful, no matter how plain it likely was.

Next, lets move to the woman at the well. We could delve deep into this scripture (John 4) and discover more about Jesus as the spiritual vessel here (because He is truly the vessel for our God, the Living Water), but I want to keep this simple. This woman most likely walked for miles to that well, in intense heat, to fill her clay jar with water, and would then return to her village to deliver this life-sustaining and thirst-quenching water to her household.

Now, jump with me back to our definition. If I may, I'd like to embelish Webster's definition. A vessel is not simply a container; it is also a necessary tool for delivery from one point to another.

If that treasured and highly valued jar of perfume had been cracked, the perfume would have never made it across the room to the head of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It would have been grossly wasted on the dirt floor.

Further, no woman in any third world country around the world would carry a hole-ridden cistern or vessel to the well near her village. Surely, after walking the many difficult miles from the well, the precious water would be gone before she ever returned home.

Do you know, friends, that you yourself are a vessel? God has anointed you in this life to hold His Holy Spirit. Even more, He has anointed you to deliver Him to others around you. Just like these tangible vessels, though, you too can be broken. Cracked. Incomplete. And thus, an ineffective tool for containment and delivery.

The beauty in this ugliness, though, is that a damaged or forsaken, unattended to vessel can be repaired and redeemed and restored (praise God!).

I am painfully, and thankfully, aware of the hole in my own spiritual bucket. I have given a great deal of thought to this perforation in my spirit lately, and I have struggled to understand what has caused it, and thus, how to permanently patch it up.

It was in church on Sunday, April 17, 2011 that the pieces finally came together.

Brett spoke extensively about God as an artist, the perfect creator of all things beautiful. He told us how God passed the paint brush on to creation (for me personally, this was my flute and my music, so I related deeply to his artistic reference), and that because of all this, we crave beauty and perfection. And then it clicked. The light came on.

I suddenly realized that my music as a young child was more than a "gift" God had bestowed on me. It was more than a talent he gave me to escape the emotional emptiness of my childhood. Before I ever knew I could have a personal relationship with Christ, He was seeking relationship with me through the music I spent so many hours practicing daily. Beauty. Perfection. It was what I craved desperately. All for a deeper connection to Him, and I had no idea. How amazing is that? He put the paintbrush in my hand so I could know Him better.

God still uses music to reach deep into my soul today. Though I haven't played in several years now, God has of course found a way. Intense harmony, a perfectly tuned chord, complex rhythms...it is all evidence of God stirring His spirit within me and drawing me to connect with Him. It is because of my heightened sensitivity to God in the music I hear that I am so easily touched by what I hear. How beautiful that God would reach out to me and spend time with me in this way.

I am a vessel for God and within me I carry His Spirit, His word, and His love for His people. If I have an unrepaired, gaping hole...a missing spiritual element, then I will not be an effective container, or an effective method of delivery. How can I take Him to others if I am broken? The painful truth is that I can't. I will waste Him on the perverbial dirt floor.

My extraordinary passion for music, even as a young child, reminds me that I am designed by God to crave Him. To be an effective holy vessel for God, I must place a permanent plug in this hole by seeking deep and lasting relationship with Him. No temporary fixes will do! Not food. Not Facebook. Not texting. Not my husband. Not my kids. Not my activities. Nothing but God can permanently plug this hole, and for me, that means deep, significant relationship with the Father who created all things and designed me to crave Him.

Up on the Mountain

Let's be honest, friends; in this campaign through food addiction to cherished freedom, sometimes it's not so easy to keep going. I often find myself in the heat of that lustful craving, and I just can't take another step; I give into my flesh by indulging that physical longing with something delicious, and yet sadly temporary.



I've been knee-deep, waist-deep and in over my head on this pilgrimage since September 2010. Yet, somehow I am able to move through challenges, successes and failures and back, with fresh focus and commitment daily.


How, though? How have I not caved under the sheer exhaustion of this trek across the desert?


I am presently in a leg of my journey that offers me a rare and beautiful treasure: clarity. Sweet friends, I am on the mountaintop! I am experiencing precious freedom and Goliath-sized growth--my food is comfortably under control, I haven't binged in nearly a week now, and I am getting physically stronger everyday.


Seasons like THIS are precisely why I have been able to pick my hurting- and sometimes broken-self off the ground and put one bruised foot in front of the other for seven excruciating long months.


In the crispness of this clarity on the mountaintop, I have power greater than my own, strength I cannot understand and endurance beyond comprehension. Here, life is simple and uncomplicated. Choices are easy. Cravings are joyfully satisfied with relationship with God. Keeping my vow to God to be healthy and exercise daily requires little effort.


Unfortunately, I cannot live on the mountaintop anymore than Jesus could. And neither can you. Because of God's great love for us, we are called to descend the mountain and live in the valleys. It is there that God requires us to apply the strength and endurance we were given in that freedom-experience called the mountaintop, and grow.


The good news? A valley rests between two mountains! So no matter how hard life in the valley may be, your next mountain of sweet relief isn't far away. And while you're there, stand tall. Soak in the panoramic view. Catch your breath. Revel in the exhilaration. Bask in the glorious uninterrupted sunshine. Most of all, sisters, be ready to descend the mountain and live the life God has called you to.

Stepping Stones

Earlier this evening while sitting near the indoor pool at our hotel in Birmingham, listening to my children swim and play, I took close notice of the floor surrounding the pool...as most moms would, I suppose. It's a beautiful, lavish floor, with genuine stones brought flawlessly together, despite their vast differences in shape and size, texture and color.

Being the thinker that I am, this floor reminds me immediately of the path I am on, my journey to freedom. Each stone is unique. I could walk the circumference of the pool a dozen times and never take the same path twice.

The only part that matters though, is that one stone always, without fail, leads to the next stone. At no point in walking toward the exit, or the pool, or the showers, will I run out of stones before I reach my destination.

Isn't that a beautiful metaphor for our journey to freedom? ...paved with a variety of challenges and victories...one victory, no matter how big or small, always leads somewhere...one challenge will inevitably lead me to another, unpredictable place...losses of varying magnitude are sprinkled among the stones.

And yet, what is certain is that freedom awaits on the other side. And ladies, behind us will be an unimaginable, unmatched and priceless work of a lifetime...an imperfect, yet perfect, unfathomable gift from God.

Weakness

This world, belonging to the evil one, has trained and conditioned us to believe we can do anything. We as women are completely indoctrinated to this philosophy that tells us if we depend on anyone else or anything else or show any sign of vulnerability, neediness or weakness, that we are a failure. A gigantic, useless, messy failure. Thankfully, God's word tells us something different! In 2Corinthians 12: 9-10, Paul clearly states: But he [God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ...For when I am weak, then I am strong. I read this verse while hauling my butt across the conveyor belt of my treadmill this morning, and was immediately struck by the word "weak." I wanted so badly to jump off my treadmill and go straight to my dictionary and define that word (Webster's Dictionary is surprisingly my preferred tool for Bible study). I waited till my walk was done, however; what I found was NOT disappointing. Of the many definitions for the word, three especially stood out to me. First, the primary definition: lacking strength or vigor: FEEBLE. I can honestly say I have never been encouraged to take a feeble stance in this life of mine. Have you? And yet, it's this position that makes God's power available to us. The next definition that got my attention was number eight: not having or exerting authority. If we are exerting authority over our own lives in any way, how then can God exert His supreme authority? Finally, the fourth definition: not supported by truth or logic. We cannot declare the false truths of this world as our guide. We must define ourselves as ultimately incapable of navigating through this life with anything but God's truth as our compass. To further explore this scripture, I found the definition of perfect (brace yourself): being without fault or defect, exact, precise, lacking in no essential detail: COMPLETE. What this tells us is that only when and not until I take a lesser position, release authority over my own life and embrace God as my one true compass that I will truly be strong. Only then will God's power be perfect in me...and the same is true for you. So today, friends...sisters, let's let go of the lies that we've both been fed, the lies that have held us down and kept us trapped in a false and deceptive sense of power. Instead, let's admit and finally acknowledge that we are not indestructable or invincible. We are not all-powerful or able to do anything. We are weak. Today, embrace your weakness. Acknowledge your deficit and see for yourself if God shows up to fill in the essential details you lack. Today, let God complete you.

More than Just Me

As many of you know, I've recently begun meeting with a great group of ladies to work through the study Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst. While completing my work for today, I had an epiphany I believe will be critical to my success (and hopefully for you as well): it ain't all about me! YIKES!

Here's what I mean... I've had a whole menu of reasons in the past for why I want to lose weight...the top of my list would have previously looked like this (btw, I'm praying yours is similar or else I'm going to be terribly embarassed!): 1. cuter clothes 2. smaller clothes 3. fewer fat dimples 4. a smaller number on the scale...somewhere on down the list you might have seen "increased overall health."

Now, these reasons are (of course) still on my list, but the order has definitely shifted for the better. My health is at the top of the list, followed VERY closely by those other, less righteous reasons. At the tip-top of my most recent list though has been my freedom. The one word there that jumps off the screen at me is MY.

And there you have it. My selfishness. My it's-all-about-me-attitude and approach to life. Yuck.

The question I read that birthed this ugly insight read like this : is my motivation strong enough to help me resist my unhealthy eating? So, I recognized the fact that my current motivation is not fully working for me. It's not quite strong enough to help me resist the temptations I face daily. And that motivation is MY freedom (cringe). This logically begs the question, then what IS a strong enough motivation? The only thing that makes it all not about me. The only thing that makes it about something bigger. God's glory.

Girls, desiring to be a smaller size and have fewer cottage cheese dimples just isn't gonna get it done. Surprisingly, neither is having freedom as your goal. But, setting God's glory as your priority...now that's where it's at. God's glory IS big enough. It's strong enough. It's lasting and true. When we set God's glory as our sole purpose in this battle being waged against our souls, our freedom is going to be the natural by-product.

I'm telling you, this just makes me want to do some push-ups for Jesus! In fact, I think I will.

"To him be the glory both now and forever! Amen." 2 Peter 3:18b

Paying My Tab

Yesterday was insane! I had seven kids for daycare, ranging from 1 yr to 4 years in age, from 7 in the morning to 6 in the evening. I managed to get in my 30 minutes on the treadmill (God really protected this time for me yesterday), washed and folded 4 loads of laundry, swept my kitchen floor, changed countless diapers, fed them all multiple times, washed faces and hands...and so on. For you moms out there, this is nothing new for you. It is somewhat new for me right now though, as I've been sick for so long. I am a little lost as to what to do with all this energy I have again.

Still, as my daycare hours started to come to a close, I was exhausted. I was rocking a baby, she was peacefully asleep in my arms. I closed my eyes, and began to imagine it was 6:30. Daycare would be gone, I could have some dinner, a hot bath and totally turn off my brain AND my body.

And then I heard a whisper. God said to me...you're not done yet. You owe me. It's time to pay your tab. My eyes opened instantly, and I thought immediately back to the pop tarts I had eaten that morning. Now, I don't keep pop tarts in the house for this very reason. I'm desperately embarassed to tell you all I had FOUR of them yesterday morning. Ironically, if I'd had a diet coke to wash them down, I would have had that with them. So I thought through this and was of course reminded of what I had just studied the day before about "counting the cost." It's terribly
sad to me that I forget so quickly what God shows me, and I'm thrilled He brought this particular lesson back to my attention the way He did.

Luke 14:28 says this: suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won't you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? As I apply this to my food, I see clearly that God expects me to be aware of the calories I take in and the calories I burn. If I can't afford the calories, I shouldn't eat it. Plain and simple, right?

Well, here I was the very next day, eating four pop tarts and not considering the cost, the energy I would need to expend to "pay" for those calories. But God reminded me very clearly of what I had consumed, and that I owed Him some more exercise. It was time to pay my tab. This was the first time God has done this for me, insisted on collecting from me in such a way. But, collect He did. Once the baby woke up, I shook off my exhaustion and moved to the back yard. I spent an hour pulling weeds and cleaning flower beds while the daycare kids played on the swing set and in the sand box. Next, I cleaned up my kitchen, living room and the playroom, and ran the vacume. Then, I rotated another load of laundry.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm under no illusion that I was able to burn the 720 extra calories I had consumed, with an hour and 45 minutes of light work. But God made a critical point crystal clear to me. I had gotten into a rut of eating and praying for forgiveness, indulge and pray again, eat something else and pray some more. I have been so desperate to avoid counting calories and becoming obsessed with such things, as I'm prone to do, that I have ignored some very basic science in my efforts to lose weight. If I can't afford the calories, I can't have it; furthermore, if I eat it anyway, I will have to pay my tab with additional exercise.

So, next time you are tempted to eat something you shouldn't, ask yourself...can I afford to pay this bill? Is this food worth the exercise it will require?

I'd also like to add that this morning on the scale, my weight finally reflected a positive change. I'm down 1.5 pounds. Finally. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, I KNOW not...there is no reason except God's reward for there to have been a change on that scale. Not one. That, my friends, was from God to me.

Boundaries

Not too long ago, our daughter wanted to sleep over at a friend's house. John and I talked about it and decided against it for a number of reasons, the primary being that we just don't feel comfortable with that environment for our little girl. She was of course, heartbroken. I'm talking giant crocodile tears. I ached for her. But ultimately I knew we were making the best decision for her.

In an effort to explain our decision, I used our small dog as an example. Maestro is a skilled escape artist, and I asked Samantha why it is that we don't want her to escape. She named a list of dangers that Maestro faces outside the security of our home, and we compared that to the dangers I know exist for her (Samantha) out in this big world. She gracefully accepted the comparison and realized that we were not allowing her to spend the night at this friend's house because we know more than she does, and love her too much to send her vulnerable 11-year-old self into a potentially dangerous environment.

Much like Maestro, I myself am a skilled escape artist. I have too often seen the door satan has opened for me, by way of temptation or lustful desires and cravings, and lept through the doorway only to break the boundaries God has set for me, the ones He has built for my own good and my protection. I am engaged in a strict eating plan right now, and those are the boundaries He has given me. Like Maestro, and Samantha, I don't presently have the ability, the knowledge or the maturity to live outside those lines. Instead I am learning to respect the boundaries God designed for me, and more often now, I am finding peace in these boundaries by choosing to walk away from that open door and stay inside the safety of the house, instead of escaping into the world of food which is most definitely a potentially dangerous environment.

Outside these loving boundaries, I am a prime target for satan to quickly usher me away from home, and away from the peace I deserve and the peace God wants for me. Finally, I'm learning to regard His boundaries as as a source of protection, not restriction or deprivation, and I hope you will too.

Like an Elephant at the Circus

Have you ever been to the circus? I don't particularly like the circus, but I have been before. All the tricks and talents and all the training can be pretty amazing.

Consider if you will, the elephants. I've heard they are trained to walk that circle by being kept tethered to a steel spike in the ground from birth...walking in a circle is all they are capable of doing. Then gradually, the tether...or chain...is removed. But the elephant continues to walk that ridiculous, repetitive circle...it has no awareness of its freedom, only what it has always known...and that is its bondage to that circle.

Today, God made it clear to me that I am acting like that elephant. He has done all that is necessary to set me free. I'm already free. I've been praying and begging to be set free from my addiction to food, but like the elephant, I've been blind to the fact that God has already done that. Do you hear me? I'm already free. And so are you. Just like the elephant, I am the one keeping myself in bondage.

If you think about the Israelites and their 40 year journey in the desert to the Promised Land; God had already set them free from their slavery, and yet, they circled that mountain like dumb elephants tethered to a steel spike, for 40 years. They even begged God to return them to their slavery because it was more comfortable there and the food flowed in abundance (not a conincidental reference, girls). They remained in a perceived bondage, and only because of their choices, attitude, and hearts.

Today, I will work to recognize that God has already set me free. He's done more than His part. In fact, He has paid the gruesome price for my freedom. Today I choose to focus more on behaving like I am a free child of God and making victorious choices because I am victorious through the death of Jesus Christ. Afterall, I am not an elephant at the circus; I am done circling this mountain, ladies, and I'm heading for the Promised Land. Won't you come with me?

Finally, a Cohesive Plan

As I stumble through this journey (publicly, I might add LOL), I have come to realize something very important about myself: I like to have a plan. I'm basically like this in all areas of my life. Finances, education, the routines of daily life, when I'm teaching: you name the circumstance, and I'm sure to prefer a plan. I don't like to fly by the seat of my pants (which is most certainly why I never excelled at improvisation as a musician). Now, this is not to say I'm inflexible, because as a (former?) educator, a mother to three, and a military wife, I have mastered the fine art of flexibility. It just means I function better and feel safer with a plan.


So why did I not get a plan sooner? I don't suppose it matters too terribly much. The point is, I have one now. I am working through Made to Crave, a Bible study by Lysa Terkeurst, and she cites some amazing statistics about success as it relates to having a plan: the possibility of achieving a goal is....10% when you hear an idea, 40% when you decide you will do it, 50% when you plan how you will do it, 65% when you commit to someone else you will do it and 95% when you have an accountability appointment with the person you've committed to.


This blew my mind! I've been wandering aimlessly on this course, tripping over my own feet and trying to lean on my own efforts and knowledge, when all the while, I needed a plan...a GPS of sorts. I've been trying to get to a destination, to an address, with no system to guide me. Sounds so silly even now as I type it out. But, I have a plan now.


I did some research online (of course) and after much thinking and talking it over with my husband, I've made a choice. I started the Paleo diet today, albeit a slightly modified version, and so did John (that's an enormous blessing for me). THAT is my plan. For those who aren't familiar with it, it's basically a plan that removes all processed food from my diet. This mostly means pre-packaged stuff. If it's in a box, a can, a jar or an air-tight bag, it's not in my plan. There is disagreement among experts regarding whether whole-grains (as cavemen could not make bread products), and dairy are permissable. John and I have decided to allow for these things, but only in healthier forms and in limited quantities, at least for now.


I have grown to be of the mindset that nothing is really forbidden. It's all permissable. The question is, is it beneficial to my longterm goals? Freedom. Peace. Stability. If it's not going to get me to my goal (not the number on the scale, but to freedom, peace and stability), then it's not beneficial.


I have tried diet PLANS before, and even had positive results. Temporarily, that is. So how is this plan any different? It's two-fold. Because I have seen repeatedly that without God as my focus, I will not have lasting success, or the freedom, peace, and stability I so desperately seek, I am finally combining the two concepts. A Plan...God as my focus...together...finally.

I fully anticipate hard days and tough choices, and I'm prepared to lay in my floor and cry over the fact that I can't have those chips or the cookies my flesh and my tastebuds are screaming for. But, I will begin each day with a special prayer I've composed for myself (it's included below), and I will walk through this journey with my GPS on and my focus on God.


God, I come to you this morning, knowing that I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I ask you again today, with repetition, for your wisdom to know what to eat. I believe your Word, which tells me I have within me the very same power that raised Jesus from the dead. I know wholeheartedly I will not ever be free as a result of my own efforts or strength, and instead pray for your indwelling power to rise up within me and enable me to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me. I ask you as my Glorious Father to strengthen me, to set me free from my addiction and obsession with food. Not so I can wear a smaller size, but so I may know You better, Lord. Please, teach me today who I am in You and draw me closer to You. Reveal to me how this journey I am on is less about food, exercise and lifestyle choices and more about a chance for deep, lasting and wonderful connections with you. Lord, I ask that you remind me to pray with every temptation I face today and give me the insight I need to speak out against the devil. I thank you this morning Father God for the chance to be on this journey with you and I know that I will soon see its blessings. Thank you for loving me. I give my body as an offering to you this morning, God, and will honor You by caring for the temple You have given me. Amen.

{Scriptures used include: Ephesians 1:17-19, Romans 12:1-2; also, some phrases included in my prayer are taken from Made To Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst, Ch. 5}

What's Your Payoff?

It's been too long since I posted. Fortunately, in the last 72 hours I have had spots of time where I have felt somewhat human, right now being one of them, and I think I may be on the mend finally. Thanks to all who have prayed for my recovery...please continue to pray!

In the last 6 weeks, I've gained about 5 pounds. I know I've been sick. Trust me, you don't need to remind me. And I've been too sick to care about my weight and the issues that come with it. However, as I have turned a corner in my sinus health, I believe I have also turned another corner regarding my food issues.

Today is Tuesday. On Saturday, I finally cracked open my "Made to Crave" book by Lysa Terkeurst. I discovered her website, Proverbs 31 and her ministry to women struggling with food and weight issues about 3 months ago, and ordered her book before my surgery. I haven't felt well enough or had the energy to read much of anything in about 2 months. On Saturday though, I read the first two chapters about 3 times, and marked the pages heavily with my multi-colored pens and my clear plastic ruler (I do love straight lines). Since then, despite being sick, I have watched what I've eaten, controlled my portions and passed up on the unhealthy things for healthier options.

I say all this to ask you a question...what is your payoff? Why do you continue to stay "fat?" Or, overweight? Or, why do you keep smoking? Or, why do you continue to worry habitually? Or, blah blah blah...whatever your crutch is. When we do something the same way for a period of time, it's because in some way, it works. It has a payoff. What is your payoff for keeping your sin around? I don't know the answer to this for myself yet, but I have a few possibilities tumbling around in my head like heavy rocks in a dryer; they're thumping, turning, and making lots of noise and making me pay close attention.

I was reading my devotional this morning, My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers (mine is the updated edition in today's easier language), when something struck me.

While the entire devotional topic is not necessarily pertinent to my particular issues with food, the last line struck me hard..."We won't believe; we won't let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore--we prefer to worry." (February 29th devotion, and yes, I know today's date) WOAH! Prefer to worry? Like, maybe I prefer to be fat? Maybe I feel safer when I'm fat? Or,what will I have to think about if I'm not fat anymore? What will I have to focus on? Could my payoff be that it's something I can complain about, worry about, work on, talk to people about...OUCH. And worse yet, what will I have to work on NEXT, if I get past THIS? Ugh. Not easy things to consider. I believe my payoff is more than just the comfort of the food itself. It has to be more than that. This addiction has woven itself into the very fiber of my being, like the roots to a weed. Have you ever pulled up a weed and pulled it half-way across your yard? You know the kind I'm talking about. That's the weed that's been growing, that I've been allowing to thrive in my spirit.

So what's the remedy? How do we kill this nasty weed? I wish I knew, but I'm not sure yet. But I do know I'm on the right path. I will not stop putting one foot in front of the other (even when my health gets in the way). I'm seeking God, and I'm trying to find the point where I believe Him to do the impossible for me; I will get there, friends, and so can you.

Perfect Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, I thought I would share this forwarded email I received from a friend.
...........................................................................

“And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect.” 1 John 4:17

As children, we all dream about happily ever after. We pine away waiting for the knight on the white horse or daydream about love that is never anything less than perfect. When you think of perfect love . . . who do you think of? While most of you probably said Cinderella and Prince Charming; when I think of perfect love, my thoughts turn to Adam and Eve.

Kind of a bad choice for “perfect love” you might say; but Adam and Eve, while best known for the single worst mistake in history, were still the first couple ever made for each other in the literal and spiritual sense. God made Eve especially for Adam. She was made for him and from him. Their relationship was God’s handiwork and despite the whole forbiden fruit thing, they created quite the life together.

Just like many love stories today, I have never turned a pumpkin into a carriage and my husband has never trotted in on a white horse to save me from some wicked queen. However, I have turned lemons into lemonade many days and he makes the cutest neigh when he gave our kids piggyback rides around the front lawn. We bicker from time to time. We don’t go dancing on Friday nights or awake every morning to breakfast in bed. He snores. I nag. He watches too much Sports and CNN and I work too much. But while we two are far from perfect, we love each other perfectly. God created our marriage in His perfect manner, in His perfect way . . . as only He can do.

God tells us in 1 John 4:12, “If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.” So even though Adam and Eve were the epitome of imperfection, even though Adam probably forgot to take out the trash and Eve probably forgot to wash his leaf now and then, their imperfection was made perfect in their love for one another. No matter how flawed they were, their marriage was created in perfect love because the Master created it and He dwelt within the midst.

Don’t stress over living up to the fairytale. Your love story, no matter how simple or how elaborate, was designed by God. He perfected it. He wrote it. He even illustrated it and signed his name on your copy. He’s the author and the finisher. (Hebrews 12:2)

Happily ever after doesn’t always come with ball gowns and white horses. Most of the time, it comes with sweat pants and minivans . . . but that’s ok, because if it comes from God, it’s perfect and nothing less.

By Brooke Keith

Whose Power?

In the last week or so, God has been showing me something, something critical to my success on this journey to freedom. I've made huge strides so far and learned many things. However, I've come as far as I can get myself. This is a beautiful truth I'm trying to fully digest and come to grips with. This means I can no longer count on myself. My strong will and independence aren't gonna get the job done, like society and pop psychology would have me believe. I've been trying to listen to God and understand where this truth leaves me on my journey. How do I move forward from here if it's not my own self-control and white-knuckling that's gonna get me the rest of the way?

As God often does with me, He offered me more food for thought (pardon the pun) through a timely guest speaker in our church yesterday. While I won't detail the entire message (mostly because I only wrote down what spoke most to my personal circumstances), the crux of the message was that when we are saved and take the leap of faith to believe in Christ as our Savior, we get ALL OF GOD. Not part of Him. All of Him. I have the same power in me that made the heavens and the earth, parted the Red Sea, freed the Israelites, and raised Jesus from the dead. Hearing this, I asked myself, why do I continue to draw on my own power to conquer my addiction to food. It's ridiculous, isn't it? Once we realize we have the power of Christ within us, we will cease drawing from other shallow and limited man- or self-made wells. Yes, self-control and self-discipline can get you a certain distance. But there comes a point when you...when I...must lean on the One greater than us. He alone is God.

While still pondering this new truth this morning, God took me on a tour of His word and showed me a steady stream of scripture citing His power. I indeed do not have His power (and I surely don't want it, to be honest), but I do have access to His power. I have the Holy Spirit in me, and it is He who will set me free from this addiction. It is His power I must draw on, not my own. As I begin the next leg of this journey to freedom, which includes a commitment to exercise and close attention to portion control, it's critical that I understand this and behave like I know it is truth.

Join me on this trip to trade self-control for God-control. Self-esteem for God-esteem. Self-discipline for God-discipline. Self-empowerment for God-empowerment.

I want to challenge you this morning to take a tour of God's word also. I'm going to give you a list of the scriptures God led me through, and I want you to dig in. Your trip will certainly vary from mine, especially as you use the references in your Bible. God is beautifully intentional and personal with His love, and He desires to give us each inidividual attention daily, if we'll only take the time. God has something important to show you on this personal guided tour today, and I'd love to know what He teaches you.

Colossians 2:9, Php 2:13, Php 3:3, Php 3:14, 2Tim 1:7, Col 1:11, Eph 3:20, Eph 3:16, Eph 1:18-20, 2Cor 10:3-4, Acts 1:8, Php 4:13

PS...If you have contacted me in anyway, in response to this blog, I want you to know I love you and pray for you often. I know I am not alone on this trip, and I likewise know we can be free if we cooperate with the work of the Spirit. God Bless <3

Competition!

In this race we're running, this race to be healthy and free from addiction to food, there are multiple components. While I still struggle with my internal dialogue and decisions I make about what and when to eat, I am generally experiencing tremendous freedom in this area. The area I am struggling the most with right now is exercise. And I know I am not alone.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends yesterday morning on Facebook, Terri, like we do nearly every morning. She too struggles with her weight and her desire to be fit and healthy. We were discussing how exercise seems to be the missing element in our success, and how we wish we could help each other exercise, despite the distance. And then, God gave me an idea.

We are excited to share it with you, and we want to invite each of you to join us.
We are going to have a contest. Unlike other weight-related contests, this one will not encourage any type of weighing or measuring. All you have to do is keep a simple exercise journal, and pay $10 to enter the contest. From February 7 to March 7, you will simply write down every time you exercise (down to the minute). At the end, whoever has logged the most minutes, wins the POT (if 10 people participate, the POT is $100).

Let's deal with some key points:

First, what qualifies as exercise? Pretty much anything. If it takes you 3 minutes to take the stairs at work, then log 3 minutes. If you take a 55 minute class at the gym, then log 55 minutes. If you walk for 30 minutes...you get the idea. If you cleaned your house in a more strenuous fashion than usual and broke a sweat...you decide. Exercise is usually considered to be activity that raises your heart beat and makes you sweat.

Secondly, honesty amongst ourselves will be key. I have to trust you, and you have to trust me. I will require that anyone participating send/give me their $10 contribution to the "pot" at the start of the contest. I will hold the money until the end of the contest period when it will be awarded.

Next, I will provide each of you with a log to keep a record of your exercise times. This will be required in order to be considered for the prize at the end of the contest, so DON'T LOSE YOUR FORM! When you pay in your $10, I will give you the form (probably through email). The form is due by March 8, the day after the last day of the contest.

So, finally, we have a contest that does not pit my metabolism against yours and we have no incentive to starve ourselves. Even my skinny friends can participate!! We are strictly competing to fit the most exercise into our lives, and we're giving God the freedom to reward us with the physical results. And to top it all off, there's a little moolah involved as a bonus.


Some of you may not be interested in the financial "wager," and we understand that. We don't want that to deter you from competing with the rest of us, though. If anyone wants to participate without the $10 entry fee, that is perfectly fine. If someone who does not submit the $10 donation to the "pot" happens to win, then the financial reward will go to the next runner up who did contribute to the pot. The glorious title of WINNER, however, goes only to the person who submits the most exercise minutes (regardless of financial contribution made).


If you're interested, respond to this blog post in a comment, for everyone to see, and commit to join the friendly competition. Also, if you have any questions, let's post them here for everyone to see. You may not be the only one with that particular question.

Are you ready? I know I am.

Run with Endurance

"...and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12: 1-3

I have been running the race. And I've grown weary. I will not give up, though. I will keep my focus on Jesus, who endured much worse than me, and I will not give up.

So many things in our daily life weigh us down on this race. Trip us up. Distract us. For me, it's been my health and my family's health. I have experienced a lot of freedom recently, but I had a fall yesterday. A big one. God's grace really is amazing though, as my favorite hymn says, because today I get to wake up, lace my shoes back up and get back in the race.

In this race, we are required to be endurance runners, not sprinters. We have to shed the things that slow us down and focus on the goal (freedom in Jesus). What bulky things are you still trying to carry with you in this race? What do you need to lose in order to win?

Private Lessons

Have you ever had a private teacher? A tutor, maybe. Someone who challenged and tested your skills and techniques in a certain area, perhaps made you think outside the box. Maybe your "tutor" was there to reinforce basic skills. But maybe, like me, you've had a private teacher who pushed you beyond what you ever thought possible.

In sixth grade, I started learning how to play the flute. I was a natural and I excelled quickly beyond my peers, and I began private lessons almost immediately. I practiced for hours every day thanks to an earnest desire God had given me, and a seemingly natural gift that grew by leaps and bounds on a daily basis. Through the years, a number of private teachers challenged me with new skills and techniques regularly, and pushed me toward growth and development as a flutist. I later went on to college and earned my degree in Music Education.

If you've ever experienced this type of mentorship, you know well the relationship I'm describing. My private teachers were crucial to my growth as a musician and eventually as a teacher. Without them, I would never have grown beyond the little girl reading the fingering chart on my front porch, trying to determine which keys on the instrument were which keys in the diagram.

I still have a private teacher. Only He's not teaching me how to be a flutist. He's teaching me daily how to be more like Him. Much like my flute teachers did, God challenges me regularly to be better, try harder, push to the next level. And I'm so glad He does. Without His persistent encouragement, I would never grow beyond the life of that spiritual baby. Thankfully, God is always challenging my thinking, my efforts, and my methods on this journey to freedom.

In the last two days, God has revealed to me the next stage of my development, the next step I need to take in this journey to freedom; like any good teacher, He has set a goal for me. This next step is one He has decided I'm ready to take on, based on my progress thus far. He has not only prepared me and given me all the basic skills I need in order to build this new one, he has measured my skill and finds me ready. Yes, I'll admit that looking at this new sheet music is intimidating, but my God has prepared me. No good teacher gives their student new work that they're completely untrained for. Likewise, the student must sometimes take a leap, trusting the teacher's input and putting aside feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. I'm choosing today to trust the teacher.

Mile Markers

When was the last time you took an inventory of your progress on this journey to freedom? Whatever you are struggling to be free from, perhaps it's time to evaluate your level of freedom with an honest and loving lens (not the self-critical, beat-yourself-up kind that we're all too comfortable and familiar with).

God gave me fresh insight to my journey last night while I was watching a TV program called "Heavy" (I believe on TLC). This show features two individuals every week who undergo a major weight loss transformation over a six month period of time. There are no prizes, it's not a competition. Just devotion to the process (though their relationship with God is the single element that is never addressed). In an interview with one of the participants, a young girl was describing her internal dialogue regarding her level of obsession with food. I listened to this girl and practically had flashbacks of my own internal dialogue. It was like she was inside my head. She was describing how she would be eating one thing and thinking about what she would eat next, the next meal or the next snack. How she would snack between snacks. And it was in that moment that God showed me just how far I've come. This was a major "so far" moment for me, the kind Beth Moore talks about in her Daniel study.

Praise God, I am free from this dialogue! This link in my chain is gone! This is no small feat, people. It is a critical element in my lifelong struggle with food addiction, and God has set me free from it. How had I not noticed this? I believe we oftentimes get so caught up in the "process" that we forget to appreciate the small (or not so small) "mile" markers on our journey.

So go ahead, take your own inventory. What have you found some level of freedom from? What have you come "so far" from? What marker on your journey have you potentially overlooked and not celebrated? Ask God today to give you discernment and insight, and when God reveals your marker to you, praise Him with thanksgiving and adoration for carrying you to freedom.

Good Stewards, Bad Times

What are you struggling with today? What situation has God placed you in that you'd really rather do without? For me, I am dealing with sick children, sick self, sick daycare, financial restraints (due to closed daycare), and of course, my ever lingering food issues. For you, maybe your trials are different. Maybe they're similar. Regardless, God's word has much insight to offer on the subject.

1Corinthians 10:13 says "no temptation has seized you except what is COMMON to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." I did some reading about this verse and it's language, and found in my Bible notes that the Greek for "temptation" and "tempted" can also mean "testing" and "tested." Whether I am dealing with temptation or a test, a difficult or trying situation, it is nothing NEW to mankind. It's common. There is nothing I can ever go through that someone else has not endured. I love this because God is reassuring me that I am not alone. Likewise, neither are you.

No matter what your trial, test, temptation or struggle, God has ordained you to be exactly where you are today. And more importantly, how you make your way through this season will be a testimony to everyone around you, a testimony to the power of God's strength. A testimony to the very reality of God. A testimony to the non-believers. The believers. The saved and unsaved. The lukewarm Christians. The hot-and-cold Christians. Everyone you and I encounter is watching to see just how our God is going to get us through this, whether they realize it or not.

This subject of being a good steward of a bad situation is new to me. I know I'm supposed to be a good steward of God's gifts, a good steward of our money...but a good steward of a bad situation? That's new. But, it's oh so eye opening!

The part I look forward to most, the one element which makes this "hard time" worth it for me, is that one day I will be able to "comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (2Corinthians 1:4) God is already using my journey through food addiction to reach out to others.

So, I ask you. What hardship has God entrusted to you? What trial is God using in your life to show others His glory? Will you choose today to be a good steward, a living and breathing testimony to His power?

The Ultimate Stronghold

I've been in a bit of a spiritual funk lately. My biggest issue is the problem I'm having in my prayer life. I hear the call, feel the nudge of the Spirit...moving me to pray or journal, and I find something else to do instead. Strange as it is, I still feel a closeness with God, though. I don't feel an absence on His part at all. Simply a lack of effort, obedience and willingness on my part.

God called me this morning, as He always does. And today, I finally went obediently to my Bible. I completed my BSF work for the day, did some work in another study I'm trying to finish...and I found a note from God, just for me. I love when He sends me notes!

As I often do, I skimmed through scripture on the surrounding pages of where my study had sent me, scanning previously marked and underlined segments, and I found Psalm 27, which begins, "The LORD is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?" Did you catch the word "stronghold?" Woah! Someone slam on the brakes! I've always heard that word used in a negative way, like when I say food addiction is my stronghold. And here's God's word telling me He is my stronghold? I don't know about you, but I like that a lot better.

And it's no coincidence of course, that this little love note to me came in the midst of a personal struggle with rebellion against spending deep, concentrated time with the One I serve. You see, God wants us to dwell with Him, spend time with Him, get to know Him personally (yes, that is possible). God told me this morning He has missed me and that's enough to melt the heart of this little girl. His girl.

So this morning I am claiming God as my stronghold, the ultimate of all my strongholds. He is the conquerer, my shield, my sword. He outpowers, outwits and outlasts them all (my apologies for the Survivor-ish reference). He is my rock, the only foundation that doesn't give way. He won't budge. He is immovable. Unlike my other "strongholds," God is the one stronghold I never want to be delivered from.

So, yes, food is my addiction; but I joyfully declare, God is my stronghold.

Name Tags

My identity has been on my mind a bit today. I wear quite a few hats, don't you? From cook, to maid, to pharmacist, mommy, teacher, daycare provider, wife, friend, daughter, sister...to toy repair artist, account executive, homework checker, paper signer, check writer...to EMT, custodian, dry cleaner and laundry folder, dog lover, door opener, cup filler, butt wiper.... And those are the easy ones. The nice ones. The ones I would readily tell anyone, anytime, anywhere.

There are others though, more like self-assigned name tags. They're ones I'm less comfortable putting out there for the world to see, but they're equally real to me, and I probably hear their titles ringing in my ears more than the others.

Fatty.
Slob.
Failure.
Sinner.
Worthless.
Insignificant.

Ouch. It hurts my soul to even write those out in this bright screen, but I'm tired of them clanging around in my head like a set of cheap pots and pans! Now, they don't have as firm a residence in my heart as they used to. Praise the Lord, He is doing a work in me every day to remove these words from my vocabulary altogether. But they do still clash around now and then. Like when I overeat or make a bad food choice. Or when I fail my husband, my kids or a friend somehow. Or when I can't do all the things I've commited myself to, like one-too-many Bible studies at a time.

I make mistakes everyday and the enemy tries to bombard me with these labels, and tries to tear me down. He hasn't been as successful recently as he used to be because I'm learning who I really am...who I belong to and who defines me.

In Psalm 139: 13-16, David says to God, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." I'll tell you, this bit of scripture is better to me than any piece of Godiva. Period. It's straight up delicious!

My pieces did not fall together; God KNIT me together with purpose. God did not put me together, and seeing who I would become, change His mind. He instead ordained my days! How can I insult the Creator by feeling insecure and insignificant, or like a failure? That's a waste of His time, His craftsmanship, and an insult to His character, His mercy and His love.

I am nothing less than exactly who HE made me to be. Making this a truth within me, that is rooted in the depths of my being, and thus permanently retiring the ugly titles I've given myself, is how others will also be able to see God's truth in me and make it their own. Not through my deeds ('cuz I can't do enough), my perfection ('cuz I'm not perfect), or the number of Beth Moore Bible studies I've done ('cuz she works way faster than I can)...but instead by the joy that grows from knowing I belong to God. God made me. God ordained me to be right here, right now, in this very spot of my rollercoaster-life.

I'm trading in my lies for truth. Shredding the old name tag, and making a new one. Thank you, Jesus!

The Bible tells us in 2Corinthians 1:22 that God has "set His seal of ownership on us." I can picture that seal, a name tag of sorts. I hope it's not as bulky as the ones we wear at BSF (seriously, whose idea is that?)...but, i can imagine God's seal on me, identifying me to my Precious Lord. My name tag used to say some things I'm not proud of, or it did in my mind atleast. Now, though, it says "child of God." For John 1:12 tells us, "yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God."

What does your name tag say?

Making Decisions

Today is one of those days. I've been sick for nearly a week now with ear infections and I'm assuming, a sinus infection (since my face and my jaw hurt, too). I have a couple decisions I need to make today. They seem simple, but in my compromised health, they may be requiring more of me than I have to offer. So I'm seeking your input :)

I'm sick of being sick, and tired of being in bed. While I could easily spend today in the bed, where I've been for three days now, part of me can't help but wonder, is that what I really want to do? I am tempted to get a shower, throw some make-up on and my fave pair of jeans, and actually be productive, and pretend I don't feel like crud. But, that honestly sounds exhausting. I realize this decision is completely up to me, but I guess I wanted to share my dilemma. LOL


I have two other decisions to make also, these regarding my freedom from food addiction. First, today is technically a liquid day. Should I resume my fasting schedule today, despite not feeling good? This one is not as hard for me to decide, because a liquid day allows for lots of soup and, of course, liquids, so it wouldn't be unsafe even though I'm sick. I will probably make today a liquid day and resume my fasting schedule.

The next question is not so easy though. How about my "freedom days?" I've been in such a blur of half-sleep and cough syrup the last four days, my eating has been anything but normal. My tastebuds are iffy at best, I've eaten sherbet for breakfast, and I've skipped meals. I don't think I have overeaten, but I can't be sure. I can think of a couple deliberate victories, though, like when my husband offered me a second peanut butter cup and I turned it down. So do the last couple days count? I'm always hardest on myself and like most of us, I'm definitely my own worst critic, so I'm inclined to start over today at Day #1. I just want my "count" to be an accurate reflection of my freedom, both for myself, and for each of you. Perhaps I should ask my husband. He would have a good perspective because he has seen everything I've eaten, and I know he'll be honest with me. He's so good like that.


So, I'll definitely have to make the first two decisions on my own, but as for the third question, what do you think? Should today be Day #1 or Day #6. Be honest with me. How would you make the decision for yourself?

The Lion and the Plan

I have a battle plan to get me through those rough moments when temptation is screaming in my ear and my flesh is begging me to give in. The individual steps seem almost silly, or too simple to work. They do work...when I follow them. What good is a plan if you don't follow it? None at all, trust me. And following the plan is surprisingly difficult for me somedays (which is why I caved under the pressure two days ago.)

1Peter 5:8 tells us "be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." My battle plan helps keep me both self-controlled and alert. You cannot defeat the lion without a plan. This isn't just any lion. This one wants to devour you and me both. Do you know what devour means? It means to "eat up greedily or ravenously, annihilate." The devil is out to destroy us completely, not just cause an injury or take an arm. He wants us spiritually DEAD!

God's command for overcoming temptation can be found in 2Timothy 2:22, which says "flee the desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." This command gives us three critical elements to include in our plan. First, let's address the word "flee." This word is not just the word that means leave or get out. The original word means to run as if your life depends on it and not look back. Imagine a lion sitting on your couch. You wouldn't just stroll into another room! That is how we are instructed to flee temptation. Next, we are not only to flee, but also to pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace...pursue safety. And finally, who are we to make this pursuit with? "Those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." Our sisters and brothers in Christ. Those who support us spiritually. This one can be especially hard for some, because it requires that "honesty grenade" we talked about yesterday.

So what does a plan look like? I thought I'd share my plan with you today in hopes that it will help you develop your own. Of course, yours could look very different from mine, depending on your specific stronghold and temptations.

First, I had to decide to not take naps without John at home. I have a terrible urge for a binge when I wake from a nap, and this eliminates one intense desire to binge for me. Second, avoid the kitchen and/or walk away from the food when possible. I do fix snacks/meals for my daycare, so sometimes this won't be an option. I also try not to leave food on the counter. Third, I speak outloud, with determination, against the temptation: I WILL NOT BE TEMPTED. Fourth, I cry out to God. I pray that God will remove my desire for the food and increase my desire for more of Him. Next, I read scripture from my Scripture Journal, read my Bible or play praise music (or do all three if necessary). Finally, if I am still struggling with the temptation, I will call Lindsey or John. When I follow my plan, it works. When I don't...yep, you guessed it. It doesn't work.

What will you include in your plan? Is yours similar to mine? I'd love to know.

Blessings in the Fall

Yesterday was supposed to be my 10th consecutive day of freedom. And today should have been day eleven. But it's not. Instead, today I am restarting at Day #1.


Needless to say, I did not follow the "rules of the day" yesterday. I gave in to my flesh and had a binge. I had the whole conversation in my head, my spirit desperately trying to talk my flesh out of doing it. I was overwhelmed with the urge, did not enact my battle plan, and gave in. Initially, I was devastated. For hours, in fact. I felt like a failure, a fraud and a piece of junk.


Being nearly 24 hours from the binge now, though, I see it quite differently. Today, I am choosing to see the blessings in my fall.


The first blessing came in an unusual form. There was something tremendously different about this binge than all the others I've ever had: the guilt afterwards was the heaviest I've ever felt. I suddenly felt the guilt from my sin in a big way, and it was clear to me I had been numb to my sin for years; this time, I was feeling it. I can't say why I was given the gift of this guilt, if it was related to falling from the longest stretch of freedom I had experienced, or just that God saw fit. Whatever the reason, the guilt is immense. I spent the evening with wonderful women last night (playing Bunco), clothed in my guilt, wondering if everyone else could see it. I laid in my guilt to go to sleep. And I woke with it this morning, like a cape I can't take off. (Makes me think of The Scarlett Letter. Instead of an "A" for adulterer though, can we all just agree on the generic "S" for Sinner? Did you read that in high school, too?)


I believe I need to spend some time with my guilt. Get to know it again. If I rush through this guilt, and don't fully process the why's and how's, and brush it off like I have so many times before, how will I learn? How will I not fall again today or tomorrow? Guilt is a wonderful thing, and I'm praising God for it this morning. I'm thankful that God removed that layer of numbness and exposed my soul to the pain of my sin.


My second blessing was especially painful. Shortly after my fall yesterday, I realized the sad fact that my own husband had no idea what a binge really is. When I told him I binged, he asked what I ate (which for some strange reason, he's never asked before), and I told him. While his reaction made me feel humiliated, it was yet another layer of shame being peeled away. It was what I needed. I truly didn't know he had no understanding of exactly what a binge is. During this conversation with John it became very clear to me how I have kept my bingeing a secret from him, hidden, and in the dark. I would have told anyone though, that I'm not a secret eater. I don't hide food in the house or in my car, so I didn't think I was. Clearly, if after 11 years of marriage my husband has no idea what a binge is, I've been a secret eater. By removing the secrecy of the act, satan is being further disarmed. (Eventually, I'll have all his weapons LOL)


The final blessing I want to share with you, is the act of sharing my fall. It's a blessing to me to have to confess it to everyone, even as embarassing as it is and as sad as it makes me. I pray that it is a blessing to each of you to hear my confession and I hope that my transparency shows you you are not alone in this journey. Perhaps my fall will allow you to confess to someone today. My sweet friend Lindsey calls it the "honesty grenade." When you fall on the grenade, by confessing and being brutally honest with someone, you're paving the way for them to come to you when they need to most. By being honest, you give someone else persmission to be honest with you. And trust me, whoever she is, she needs that from you. Desperately, I'd bet.


I wish I had the perfect scriptures to share with you this morning, but I don't. I'm still processing through this, and I'm still digging into God's word. Do you have a fitting scripture to share? I'd love the suggestions <3

Success or Freedom?

I've been giving everyone a count of sorts, announcing the number of consecutive days of freedom I've had. Some of you might wonder how I am determining or measuring my freedom and what the contributing factors are. I find freedom to be a very obscure concept to a large degree, and I readily recognize that what you consider freedom and what I consider freedom may not look the same. But I do have some guidelines I am using to determine whether or not I'm free.

For years, I measured my success and not my freedom. And unfortunately my success (or lack thereof) was determined by the number on a scale or the size of my pants, and very little else mattered. Now, however, I am striving for freedom, not perfection, thinness or other traits deemed necessary by the powers that be. The lines of my freedom are deleneated by so much more. When I say I'm 9 days free (like I will be tonight when I go to bed), it means a couple very specific things.
My first measuring tool is my food intake. Just because I'm taking a scriptural approach to my food issues doesn't mean I get to ignore the facts about food. The study I am doing online has two choices for a food plan, and I'm using one that is a series of fasts. Each week consists of two liquid fasts, two 1/2 days, two normal days, and one complete fast. If I say I'm free, it means I have abided by the "rules" of the day. I love these guidelines not because they encourage legalism or living by the law of man, but because they are designed to help me discipline my body after years of ignoring my physical hunger cues (you know those cues God designed especially for us to know when we're hungry and when we're full? Yeah, I forgot about 'em too.) as well as learning to deny myself after years of indulgence. Did you know hunger pangs aren't even physically painful? LOL That's been a real eye-opener for me.

Secondly, it means I am actively seeking relationship with God more than I am seeking comfort from food. Unfortunately, if I'm seeking food more than God, I cannot stick to my food plan for the day. It's just not possible.

Third, I stick to the God I know and trust. Yes, science has much to say about weight loss and healthy eating and diet and exercise...it's a whirlwind of information. However, I have opted not to ever weigh my food, count points or carbs or calories, or anything of that nature. I have OCD tendencies, and this type of method has always proven to be the wrong road for me. When I count anything, it becomes foremost in my mind and suddenly I am bowing to the wrong god. Our God is amazing! He gave us physical cues to signal hunger and satisfaction, and that's what I'm learning to recognize again. The truth of the matter is, no food is off limits when it is consumed within the boundaries God gave us.

Finally, I cannot obsess about my weight! I know we all have done this. The ridiculous routine of weighing ourselves in the am...before the shower, after the shower, after we dry our hair, before we're dressed...all the time praying it will be different the next time we weigh, a mere moments later. For me, I'll even weigh later in the day, then in the evening, and for good measure, some extra times in between. Good grief!! So freedom for me also includes freedom from the scale. I have removed the battery from the scale, have had my husband hide it from me, whatever it takes. At this point, I am not weighing again until I finish the online course. I have about 25 days left, and that's when I'll weigh again.

So tonight when I go to bed, I will be 9 days free from weighing, measuring, counting, and obsessing, bingeing, starving and overeating. Freedom is huge. Huge. HUGE. My question to you tonight is...Are you measuring your success or your FREEDOM?