My Spiritual Bucket

"Vessel" is defined by Webster's Dictionary as "a container for holding something." Sounds simple enough, right?

There are multiple examples of vessels in the Bible, both spiritual and literal, so let's reflect on two.

First I'd like to point you to the Book of Matthew. In Chapter 26 we are told the story of the anointing of Jesus at Bethany... "a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table. 8 When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. “Why this waste?” they asked. 9 “This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor.” 10 Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 11 The poor you will always have with you,[a] but you will not always have me. 12 When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. 13 Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

Oh, what I would give to know what this vessel looked like! This precious jar used to dispense perfume over the head of Christ must have been beautiful, no matter how plain it likely was.

Next, lets move to the woman at the well. We could delve deep into this scripture (John 4) and discover more about Jesus as the spiritual vessel here (because He is truly the vessel for our God, the Living Water), but I want to keep this simple. This woman most likely walked for miles to that well, in intense heat, to fill her clay jar with water, and would then return to her village to deliver this life-sustaining and thirst-quenching water to her household.

Now, jump with me back to our definition. If I may, I'd like to embelish Webster's definition. A vessel is not simply a container; it is also a necessary tool for delivery from one point to another.

If that treasured and highly valued jar of perfume had been cracked, the perfume would have never made it across the room to the head of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It would have been grossly wasted on the dirt floor.

Further, no woman in any third world country around the world would carry a hole-ridden cistern or vessel to the well near her village. Surely, after walking the many difficult miles from the well, the precious water would be gone before she ever returned home.

Do you know, friends, that you yourself are a vessel? God has anointed you in this life to hold His Holy Spirit. Even more, He has anointed you to deliver Him to others around you. Just like these tangible vessels, though, you too can be broken. Cracked. Incomplete. And thus, an ineffective tool for containment and delivery.

The beauty in this ugliness, though, is that a damaged or forsaken, unattended to vessel can be repaired and redeemed and restored (praise God!).

I am painfully, and thankfully, aware of the hole in my own spiritual bucket. I have given a great deal of thought to this perforation in my spirit lately, and I have struggled to understand what has caused it, and thus, how to permanently patch it up.

It was in church on Sunday, April 17, 2011 that the pieces finally came together.

Brett spoke extensively about God as an artist, the perfect creator of all things beautiful. He told us how God passed the paint brush on to creation (for me personally, this was my flute and my music, so I related deeply to his artistic reference), and that because of all this, we crave beauty and perfection. And then it clicked. The light came on.

I suddenly realized that my music as a young child was more than a "gift" God had bestowed on me. It was more than a talent he gave me to escape the emotional emptiness of my childhood. Before I ever knew I could have a personal relationship with Christ, He was seeking relationship with me through the music I spent so many hours practicing daily. Beauty. Perfection. It was what I craved desperately. All for a deeper connection to Him, and I had no idea. How amazing is that? He put the paintbrush in my hand so I could know Him better.

God still uses music to reach deep into my soul today. Though I haven't played in several years now, God has of course found a way. Intense harmony, a perfectly tuned chord, complex rhythms...it is all evidence of God stirring His spirit within me and drawing me to connect with Him. It is because of my heightened sensitivity to God in the music I hear that I am so easily touched by what I hear. How beautiful that God would reach out to me and spend time with me in this way.

I am a vessel for God and within me I carry His Spirit, His word, and His love for His people. If I have an unrepaired, gaping hole...a missing spiritual element, then I will not be an effective container, or an effective method of delivery. How can I take Him to others if I am broken? The painful truth is that I can't. I will waste Him on the perverbial dirt floor.

My extraordinary passion for music, even as a young child, reminds me that I am designed by God to crave Him. To be an effective holy vessel for God, I must place a permanent plug in this hole by seeking deep and lasting relationship with Him. No temporary fixes will do! Not food. Not Facebook. Not texting. Not my husband. Not my kids. Not my activities. Nothing but God can permanently plug this hole, and for me, that means deep, significant relationship with the Father who created all things and designed me to crave Him.

Up on the Mountain

Let's be honest, friends; in this campaign through food addiction to cherished freedom, sometimes it's not so easy to keep going. I often find myself in the heat of that lustful craving, and I just can't take another step; I give into my flesh by indulging that physical longing with something delicious, and yet sadly temporary.



I've been knee-deep, waist-deep and in over my head on this pilgrimage since September 2010. Yet, somehow I am able to move through challenges, successes and failures and back, with fresh focus and commitment daily.


How, though? How have I not caved under the sheer exhaustion of this trek across the desert?


I am presently in a leg of my journey that offers me a rare and beautiful treasure: clarity. Sweet friends, I am on the mountaintop! I am experiencing precious freedom and Goliath-sized growth--my food is comfortably under control, I haven't binged in nearly a week now, and I am getting physically stronger everyday.


Seasons like THIS are precisely why I have been able to pick my hurting- and sometimes broken-self off the ground and put one bruised foot in front of the other for seven excruciating long months.


In the crispness of this clarity on the mountaintop, I have power greater than my own, strength I cannot understand and endurance beyond comprehension. Here, life is simple and uncomplicated. Choices are easy. Cravings are joyfully satisfied with relationship with God. Keeping my vow to God to be healthy and exercise daily requires little effort.


Unfortunately, I cannot live on the mountaintop anymore than Jesus could. And neither can you. Because of God's great love for us, we are called to descend the mountain and live in the valleys. It is there that God requires us to apply the strength and endurance we were given in that freedom-experience called the mountaintop, and grow.


The good news? A valley rests between two mountains! So no matter how hard life in the valley may be, your next mountain of sweet relief isn't far away. And while you're there, stand tall. Soak in the panoramic view. Catch your breath. Revel in the exhilaration. Bask in the glorious uninterrupted sunshine. Most of all, sisters, be ready to descend the mountain and live the life God has called you to.

Stepping Stones

Earlier this evening while sitting near the indoor pool at our hotel in Birmingham, listening to my children swim and play, I took close notice of the floor surrounding the pool...as most moms would, I suppose. It's a beautiful, lavish floor, with genuine stones brought flawlessly together, despite their vast differences in shape and size, texture and color.

Being the thinker that I am, this floor reminds me immediately of the path I am on, my journey to freedom. Each stone is unique. I could walk the circumference of the pool a dozen times and never take the same path twice.

The only part that matters though, is that one stone always, without fail, leads to the next stone. At no point in walking toward the exit, or the pool, or the showers, will I run out of stones before I reach my destination.

Isn't that a beautiful metaphor for our journey to freedom? ...paved with a variety of challenges and victories...one victory, no matter how big or small, always leads somewhere...one challenge will inevitably lead me to another, unpredictable place...losses of varying magnitude are sprinkled among the stones.

And yet, what is certain is that freedom awaits on the other side. And ladies, behind us will be an unimaginable, unmatched and priceless work of a lifetime...an imperfect, yet perfect, unfathomable gift from God.

Weakness

This world, belonging to the evil one, has trained and conditioned us to believe we can do anything. We as women are completely indoctrinated to this philosophy that tells us if we depend on anyone else or anything else or show any sign of vulnerability, neediness or weakness, that we are a failure. A gigantic, useless, messy failure. Thankfully, God's word tells us something different! In 2Corinthians 12: 9-10, Paul clearly states: But he [God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ...For when I am weak, then I am strong. I read this verse while hauling my butt across the conveyor belt of my treadmill this morning, and was immediately struck by the word "weak." I wanted so badly to jump off my treadmill and go straight to my dictionary and define that word (Webster's Dictionary is surprisingly my preferred tool for Bible study). I waited till my walk was done, however; what I found was NOT disappointing. Of the many definitions for the word, three especially stood out to me. First, the primary definition: lacking strength or vigor: FEEBLE. I can honestly say I have never been encouraged to take a feeble stance in this life of mine. Have you? And yet, it's this position that makes God's power available to us. The next definition that got my attention was number eight: not having or exerting authority. If we are exerting authority over our own lives in any way, how then can God exert His supreme authority? Finally, the fourth definition: not supported by truth or logic. We cannot declare the false truths of this world as our guide. We must define ourselves as ultimately incapable of navigating through this life with anything but God's truth as our compass. To further explore this scripture, I found the definition of perfect (brace yourself): being without fault or defect, exact, precise, lacking in no essential detail: COMPLETE. What this tells us is that only when and not until I take a lesser position, release authority over my own life and embrace God as my one true compass that I will truly be strong. Only then will God's power be perfect in me...and the same is true for you. So today, friends...sisters, let's let go of the lies that we've both been fed, the lies that have held us down and kept us trapped in a false and deceptive sense of power. Instead, let's admit and finally acknowledge that we are not indestructable or invincible. We are not all-powerful or able to do anything. We are weak. Today, embrace your weakness. Acknowledge your deficit and see for yourself if God shows up to fill in the essential details you lack. Today, let God complete you.

More than Just Me

As many of you know, I've recently begun meeting with a great group of ladies to work through the study Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst. While completing my work for today, I had an epiphany I believe will be critical to my success (and hopefully for you as well): it ain't all about me! YIKES!

Here's what I mean... I've had a whole menu of reasons in the past for why I want to lose weight...the top of my list would have previously looked like this (btw, I'm praying yours is similar or else I'm going to be terribly embarassed!): 1. cuter clothes 2. smaller clothes 3. fewer fat dimples 4. a smaller number on the scale...somewhere on down the list you might have seen "increased overall health."

Now, these reasons are (of course) still on my list, but the order has definitely shifted for the better. My health is at the top of the list, followed VERY closely by those other, less righteous reasons. At the tip-top of my most recent list though has been my freedom. The one word there that jumps off the screen at me is MY.

And there you have it. My selfishness. My it's-all-about-me-attitude and approach to life. Yuck.

The question I read that birthed this ugly insight read like this : is my motivation strong enough to help me resist my unhealthy eating? So, I recognized the fact that my current motivation is not fully working for me. It's not quite strong enough to help me resist the temptations I face daily. And that motivation is MY freedom (cringe). This logically begs the question, then what IS a strong enough motivation? The only thing that makes it all not about me. The only thing that makes it about something bigger. God's glory.

Girls, desiring to be a smaller size and have fewer cottage cheese dimples just isn't gonna get it done. Surprisingly, neither is having freedom as your goal. But, setting God's glory as your priority...now that's where it's at. God's glory IS big enough. It's strong enough. It's lasting and true. When we set God's glory as our sole purpose in this battle being waged against our souls, our freedom is going to be the natural by-product.

I'm telling you, this just makes me want to do some push-ups for Jesus! In fact, I think I will.

"To him be the glory both now and forever! Amen." 2 Peter 3:18b

Paying My Tab

Yesterday was insane! I had seven kids for daycare, ranging from 1 yr to 4 years in age, from 7 in the morning to 6 in the evening. I managed to get in my 30 minutes on the treadmill (God really protected this time for me yesterday), washed and folded 4 loads of laundry, swept my kitchen floor, changed countless diapers, fed them all multiple times, washed faces and hands...and so on. For you moms out there, this is nothing new for you. It is somewhat new for me right now though, as I've been sick for so long. I am a little lost as to what to do with all this energy I have again.

Still, as my daycare hours started to come to a close, I was exhausted. I was rocking a baby, she was peacefully asleep in my arms. I closed my eyes, and began to imagine it was 6:30. Daycare would be gone, I could have some dinner, a hot bath and totally turn off my brain AND my body.

And then I heard a whisper. God said to me...you're not done yet. You owe me. It's time to pay your tab. My eyes opened instantly, and I thought immediately back to the pop tarts I had eaten that morning. Now, I don't keep pop tarts in the house for this very reason. I'm desperately embarassed to tell you all I had FOUR of them yesterday morning. Ironically, if I'd had a diet coke to wash them down, I would have had that with them. So I thought through this and was of course reminded of what I had just studied the day before about "counting the cost." It's terribly
sad to me that I forget so quickly what God shows me, and I'm thrilled He brought this particular lesson back to my attention the way He did.

Luke 14:28 says this: suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won't you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? As I apply this to my food, I see clearly that God expects me to be aware of the calories I take in and the calories I burn. If I can't afford the calories, I shouldn't eat it. Plain and simple, right?

Well, here I was the very next day, eating four pop tarts and not considering the cost, the energy I would need to expend to "pay" for those calories. But God reminded me very clearly of what I had consumed, and that I owed Him some more exercise. It was time to pay my tab. This was the first time God has done this for me, insisted on collecting from me in such a way. But, collect He did. Once the baby woke up, I shook off my exhaustion and moved to the back yard. I spent an hour pulling weeds and cleaning flower beds while the daycare kids played on the swing set and in the sand box. Next, I cleaned up my kitchen, living room and the playroom, and ran the vacume. Then, I rotated another load of laundry.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm under no illusion that I was able to burn the 720 extra calories I had consumed, with an hour and 45 minutes of light work. But God made a critical point crystal clear to me. I had gotten into a rut of eating and praying for forgiveness, indulge and pray again, eat something else and pray some more. I have been so desperate to avoid counting calories and becoming obsessed with such things, as I'm prone to do, that I have ignored some very basic science in my efforts to lose weight. If I can't afford the calories, I can't have it; furthermore, if I eat it anyway, I will have to pay my tab with additional exercise.

So, next time you are tempted to eat something you shouldn't, ask yourself...can I afford to pay this bill? Is this food worth the exercise it will require?

I'd also like to add that this morning on the scale, my weight finally reflected a positive change. I'm down 1.5 pounds. Finally. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, I KNOW not...there is no reason except God's reward for there to have been a change on that scale. Not one. That, my friends, was from God to me.

Boundaries

Not too long ago, our daughter wanted to sleep over at a friend's house. John and I talked about it and decided against it for a number of reasons, the primary being that we just don't feel comfortable with that environment for our little girl. She was of course, heartbroken. I'm talking giant crocodile tears. I ached for her. But ultimately I knew we were making the best decision for her.

In an effort to explain our decision, I used our small dog as an example. Maestro is a skilled escape artist, and I asked Samantha why it is that we don't want her to escape. She named a list of dangers that Maestro faces outside the security of our home, and we compared that to the dangers I know exist for her (Samantha) out in this big world. She gracefully accepted the comparison and realized that we were not allowing her to spend the night at this friend's house because we know more than she does, and love her too much to send her vulnerable 11-year-old self into a potentially dangerous environment.

Much like Maestro, I myself am a skilled escape artist. I have too often seen the door satan has opened for me, by way of temptation or lustful desires and cravings, and lept through the doorway only to break the boundaries God has set for me, the ones He has built for my own good and my protection. I am engaged in a strict eating plan right now, and those are the boundaries He has given me. Like Maestro, and Samantha, I don't presently have the ability, the knowledge or the maturity to live outside those lines. Instead I am learning to respect the boundaries God designed for me, and more often now, I am finding peace in these boundaries by choosing to walk away from that open door and stay inside the safety of the house, instead of escaping into the world of food which is most definitely a potentially dangerous environment.

Outside these loving boundaries, I am a prime target for satan to quickly usher me away from home, and away from the peace I deserve and the peace God wants for me. Finally, I'm learning to regard His boundaries as as a source of protection, not restriction or deprivation, and I hope you will too.