It's been too long since I posted. Fortunately, in the last 72 hours I have had spots of time where I have felt somewhat human, right now being one of them, and I think I may be on the mend finally. Thanks to all who have prayed for my recovery...please continue to pray!
In the last 6 weeks, I've gained about 5 pounds. I know I've been sick. Trust me, you don't need to remind me. And I've been too sick to care about my weight and the issues that come with it. However, as I have turned a corner in my sinus health, I believe I have also turned another corner regarding my food issues.
Today is Tuesday. On Saturday, I finally cracked open my "Made to Crave" book by Lysa Terkeurst. I discovered her website, Proverbs 31 and her ministry to women struggling with food and weight issues about 3 months ago, and ordered her book before my surgery. I haven't felt well enough or had the energy to read much of anything in about 2 months. On Saturday though, I read the first two chapters about 3 times, and marked the pages heavily with my multi-colored pens and my clear plastic ruler (I do love straight lines). Since then, despite being sick, I have watched what I've eaten, controlled my portions and passed up on the unhealthy things for healthier options.
I say all this to ask you a question...what is your payoff? Why do you continue to stay "fat?" Or, overweight? Or, why do you keep smoking? Or, why do you continue to worry habitually? Or, blah blah blah...whatever your crutch is. When we do something the same way for a period of time, it's because in some way, it works. It has a payoff. What is your payoff for keeping your sin around? I don't know the answer to this for myself yet, but I have a few possibilities tumbling around in my head like heavy rocks in a dryer; they're thumping, turning, and making lots of noise and making me pay close attention.
I was reading my devotional this morning, My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers (mine is the updated edition in today's easier language), when something struck me.
While the entire devotional topic is not necessarily pertinent to my particular issues with food, the last line struck me hard..."We won't believe; we won't let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore--we prefer to worry." (February 29th devotion, and yes, I know today's date) WOAH! Prefer to worry? Like, maybe I prefer to be fat? Maybe I feel safer when I'm fat? Or,what will I have to think about if I'm not fat anymore? What will I have to focus on? Could my payoff be that it's something I can complain about, worry about, work on, talk to people about...OUCH. And worse yet, what will I have to work on NEXT, if I get past THIS? Ugh. Not easy things to consider. I believe my payoff is more than just the comfort of the food itself. It has to be more than that. This addiction has woven itself into the very fiber of my being, like the roots to a weed. Have you ever pulled up a weed and pulled it half-way across your yard? You know the kind I'm talking about. That's the weed that's been growing, that I've been allowing to thrive in my spirit.
So what's the remedy? How do we kill this nasty weed? I wish I knew, but I'm not sure yet. But I do know I'm on the right path. I will not stop putting one foot in front of the other (even when my health gets in the way). I'm seeking God, and I'm trying to find the point where I believe Him to do the impossible for me; I will get there, friends, and so can you.
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