Blessings in the Fall

Yesterday was supposed to be my 10th consecutive day of freedom. And today should have been day eleven. But it's not. Instead, today I am restarting at Day #1.


Needless to say, I did not follow the "rules of the day" yesterday. I gave in to my flesh and had a binge. I had the whole conversation in my head, my spirit desperately trying to talk my flesh out of doing it. I was overwhelmed with the urge, did not enact my battle plan, and gave in. Initially, I was devastated. For hours, in fact. I felt like a failure, a fraud and a piece of junk.


Being nearly 24 hours from the binge now, though, I see it quite differently. Today, I am choosing to see the blessings in my fall.


The first blessing came in an unusual form. There was something tremendously different about this binge than all the others I've ever had: the guilt afterwards was the heaviest I've ever felt. I suddenly felt the guilt from my sin in a big way, and it was clear to me I had been numb to my sin for years; this time, I was feeling it. I can't say why I was given the gift of this guilt, if it was related to falling from the longest stretch of freedom I had experienced, or just that God saw fit. Whatever the reason, the guilt is immense. I spent the evening with wonderful women last night (playing Bunco), clothed in my guilt, wondering if everyone else could see it. I laid in my guilt to go to sleep. And I woke with it this morning, like a cape I can't take off. (Makes me think of The Scarlett Letter. Instead of an "A" for adulterer though, can we all just agree on the generic "S" for Sinner? Did you read that in high school, too?)


I believe I need to spend some time with my guilt. Get to know it again. If I rush through this guilt, and don't fully process the why's and how's, and brush it off like I have so many times before, how will I learn? How will I not fall again today or tomorrow? Guilt is a wonderful thing, and I'm praising God for it this morning. I'm thankful that God removed that layer of numbness and exposed my soul to the pain of my sin.


My second blessing was especially painful. Shortly after my fall yesterday, I realized the sad fact that my own husband had no idea what a binge really is. When I told him I binged, he asked what I ate (which for some strange reason, he's never asked before), and I told him. While his reaction made me feel humiliated, it was yet another layer of shame being peeled away. It was what I needed. I truly didn't know he had no understanding of exactly what a binge is. During this conversation with John it became very clear to me how I have kept my bingeing a secret from him, hidden, and in the dark. I would have told anyone though, that I'm not a secret eater. I don't hide food in the house or in my car, so I didn't think I was. Clearly, if after 11 years of marriage my husband has no idea what a binge is, I've been a secret eater. By removing the secrecy of the act, satan is being further disarmed. (Eventually, I'll have all his weapons LOL)


The final blessing I want to share with you, is the act of sharing my fall. It's a blessing to me to have to confess it to everyone, even as embarassing as it is and as sad as it makes me. I pray that it is a blessing to each of you to hear my confession and I hope that my transparency shows you you are not alone in this journey. Perhaps my fall will allow you to confess to someone today. My sweet friend Lindsey calls it the "honesty grenade." When you fall on the grenade, by confessing and being brutally honest with someone, you're paving the way for them to come to you when they need to most. By being honest, you give someone else persmission to be honest with you. And trust me, whoever she is, she needs that from you. Desperately, I'd bet.


I wish I had the perfect scriptures to share with you this morning, but I don't. I'm still processing through this, and I'm still digging into God's word. Do you have a fitting scripture to share? I'd love the suggestions <3