Defining Freedom

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the easiest way to define something is by defining what it isn't? That's kind of how I feel about defining my freedom. I have lived in bondage to food for so long (since childhood) that I can easily spout out a list of what freedom is not.

It makes me think of a story my grandmother used to tell me and my cousins frequently about my Uncle Mike. When he was a baby (the youngest of 5), my grandparents would cart all 5 children down to the bowling alley, and they regularly carried the play pen as well. Now this isn't like the pack 'n play of our day. This is before they were collapseable and before the popular use of mesh sides (can you imagine?). My Uncle Mike would spend the evening in this play pen, legs hanging out through the prison-style spindle sides, and scooch his feet on the floor, thus moving his play pen throughout the bowling alley. He was a clever little trouble maker, so I hear.

Kind of a comical picture...until I picture myself in that play pen. I've been scooching my feet along the floor, carrying my prison with me since I was a young child. I know this prison intimately. I bet you know your prison equally well.

So what is freedom for me? Well, here is what it is not. Freedom is not...eating a meal and lusting over what and when I will eat again...being embarassed to eat the amount I really want to eat because others will see...eating a meal before a meal...eating food so fast I can barely taste it...walking into a room and caring more about what is being served than who I will get to visit with...trying to pour myself into my jeans...buying bigger clothes, again...being obsessed with food to the point that it is often all I think about...counting calories, points, carbs, fat grams or weighing my food...weighing myself daily or worse yet, multiple times in the same day(!) ...wondering if people are looking at my fat butt when I walk in a room (or my stomach or my boobs for that matter)...thinking I am less than beautiful because satan plays a smart game (he's such a punk).

I'm sure I could go on for days describing my prison to you. No matter what bars close my prison in, I bet they're practically the same as yours. That's the funny thing about prisons. All the walls look the same, don't they?

Let's talk about freedom :) The study I have been working through is a 60-day scripturally-based study designed to lead me to freedom. It has been an ugly walk for me. I so wish I could say I started and finished, and walked a straight line from beginning to end. But I can't. I have experienced fall after fall. I have been beaten and kicked while I was down by satan himself, only to wobble to my feet, gain some measure of freedom, and be sucker punched again. I got to Day #30 of the study, and chose to return to Day #1. I felt like an unhappy child being punished by Daddy...which only served to reinforce for me that it was the right thing to do. I seriously wanted to throw down an old-fashioned temper tantrum. I sure hope some of you can identify with that feeling!

From there, I continued through to Day #52. In the meantime, I experienced a major rebellion in my spirit. I was doing the work, atleast 5 days per week, but on a very superficial level. Consequently, I had no growth and no freedom in this period of time. I feel like I had turned a cold shoulder to God. I still can't explain what happened with me in this 4 to 6 week time period. Praise God, I'm on the other side. God never left me, though; sadly, and unexplainably for me, I turned from Him. God's grace is so beautiful and so complete though. It's as if God took my face by the chin and said "hey, I'm over here." And now my eyes are on Him again. I requested that my mentor in the study reset my work to Day #30. I have now turned a 60-day study into 120 days. That's not easy for my pride, but I am determined to be free, no matter what it takes.

I'm laying in bed typing this, rejoicing over the fact that I can say I'm wrapping up my sixth consecutive day of freedom! This is the longest stretch of victory I have experienced since beginning the study. So what is freedom? Freedom is more than a set of rules. It's knowing my actions are in line with God's will. For six days, I have not overeaten, binged or starved myself.

The coolest thing about freedom is that what defines mine may not be the same as what defines yours. What would freedom look like for you? I'd love to know, and so would others. It's time to get real, get honest and take off the mask.

(Please see Psalm 139 and Romans 8 for your own reference.)